Being Alone

Konica Hexar RF, made in 1938 50 summicron, Ilford XP2

Sometimes in street photography, I like to include more of the environment to tell the story. The dark edges in this shot adds a mysterious/secretly filmed kind of feeling to it, at the same time including much details. Women, in my eyes are usually capable and strong. Many of them possess a kind of strength that men do not have. Determination, stubbornness, the refusal to give up, the strength in biting on an issue for years, etc. I know of many women who single handedly raised up their kids without their husbands. This woman reminds me of that feeling.

Colours in Life . 190218

An Old Malay House in Kuala Lumpur

I am thankful to God my eyes can see. 

There should be colours in life, not just black and white. Colours often bring cheer and a positive outlook, contrary to black and white. But black and white leads us away from reality, yet removes the distraction of the real world and makes us more sensitive to our inner feelings.

Today I choose to share some colours in life that we often overlooked. The roof over our heads, the food we get to eat, our colourful toothbrush, broom and slippers, the clothes we choose to wear, etc. Everything can be beautiful when bathed in the morning sun. 

Appreciate what we have, smile when you wake up each morning because you are still breathing, find a dozen of things you can be thankful for each day and your life will be full of colours of your own.

Life "stops" sometimes...

Agfa APX400, probably Leica M6 with 35cron, processed in DDX

Lately, I have finally dug out dozens of my unprocessed films since 2011, a mixture of 35mm to 120mm, and even some 4x5 negatives, to process them. (the above is a frame from the first roll I begin scanning now in the early morning of 22 Aug 2014)

And it happens that today, 22 Aug 2014, is the official mourning day of MH17 crash victims in Malaysia. My unifi TV at home is showing the condolences message reminding us to mourn, as the bodies arrive back Malaysia today.

Life "stops" inside us sometimes, when something big, painful, or life-changing happens to us. That's the time when we begin so engrossed with what we are going through, mostly painful, struggling between moving on and lingering in our pain. Some of us are more sensitive in our emotions, some of us not. In this case, probably the less sensitive are more fortunate.

I am kinda surprised I can even remember some of the shots I took... the place, the mood, the situation I was in... after more than 3 years... but of course, I have problem remembering some of them.

The fact I stated year 2011 is also because of some of the shots I remember... the person/s in the frames, the places...

They always say, when you remember something so deeply, it's either an extremely happy or an extremely sad time you had.

If you look at my blog, you would have noticed I stopped blogging for more than 2-3 years. My life kinda "stopped" over things I was going through.

There's no doubt that pain is the best teacher in life, provided that we get through it, which we can if we keep at it. There are just too many things we don't have answers for, which we either keep on thinking and searching OR we move on and let the answers come to us (if they ever come to us). That's my way of moving on. I choose to take life easier, because life is too short and there's not enough time for me to do the things I love, and to love the people around me.

I am mourning for the lives lost in Iraq, in Syria, in Gaza, in MH17, in MH370, in Nigeria... we have seen much in the recent times.

May we treasure our lives and our loved ones and be contented with what we have daily, remembering our brains are just too little to understand God's ways in dealing with us. If we know we can't understand the whole picture, we shouldn't blame anyone.

The Need to Keep This Blog Alive

I am sorry to all my followers for not having been blogging here. But most of all, I think I owe myself the greatest apology for such inconsistence and for giving up.

A lot has been happening in my life especially inside of me that made me become reclusive. But overall, I think it's for the better.

When I look back at my blog posts in the past years since I started blogging, it's like looking at my diary. I am reminded of the feelings, the experiences and even to the details of my five senses of each different photos I posted, what I was going through at that time, and how I thought and felt. This is a good reminder that a visual diary can be more powerful than a written one sometimes.

Overall, I think I matured (not that I am willing to give up the child in me). I matured in knowing that the greatest regret one could possibly have at the time of death could be NOT HAVING BEEN TRUE TO ONESELF all those years. If I have to put up a pretense all my life, I think it's better to be dead.

I've always believed that our photographs that we take represent us. We are all attracted to capture what interests and draws us. And often, that which draws us are things that are closest to our hearts, things that are deep within us, things that we long for, things that we are angry at, things that we are still struggling to overcome, things that we miss.

But the unfortunate(or fortunate) thing in this world is most people don't look at a photograph long enough to understand it, or interpret it. It's at the same time fortunate because we can still have our little secrets hidden in our photographs that only we ourselves know what it's all about.

That keeps us shooting, even with the lack of appreciative audience, the lack of understanding from others.

After all, we have to ask ourselves. Do we shoot for others or do we shoot for ourselves? If it's my personal visual diary, I don't shoot for anyone else but myself.

If you are still reading till here, you probably understand at least half of what I have said. If you aren't, you belong to the common crowd out there who's probably more interested in other stuff in life.

So, photography should go beyond what's right and wrong (as long as you are technically competent in achieving what you want). Photography is NOT about shooting to please others (of course you can't do that to your clients).

If no one ever put a "like" on your photos, will you still continue to shoot and share?

Malaysian Unity

(For more images, please view them in my facebook)

It's not about politics. It's about standing up for what is right. It's about values we want to pass down to our next generation. It's about honesty, integrity, accountability, fairness and justice. Today as a Singaporean residing in Malaysia for the last 10 years, I witnessed Malaysians' unity. We (I am a Malaysia resident who pays tax to the government too) gather and unite for the same cause, which is standing up for what is right!

Malaysians have lived with corruption all these years, and at many times corruption offering as an "avenue of convenience" to escape being "punished" by the law when they break it. But now, it seems that Malaysians finally had enough of what the government has to offer. Many values have been integrated into the society for years, like "paying unofficial taxes" in businesses and etc.

Just a brief outline of what living in Malaysia is all about:
Like many who opt for private schools (many ministers did the same for their children), I send my son who is a Malaysian to a private home school schooling program instead of a government school. Why? The Malaysians will know the reason.

I have worked with NGOs and witnessed the Orang Asli people (original native people of Malaysia) being marginalized as well as injustice in many other areas. Having lived here for 10 years now, I have personally experienced my images being stolen and used for commercial purposes, my name being defamed by an unreasonable client whom I refused to refund the deposit for a last minute cancellation of job. I have also witnessed good friends who worked hard for a so-called established and award-winning wedding photographer but never get paid till today, amounting up to more than RM30K. All these people never get punished. That was when I started to think, is there a different culture in this country I must learn to accept and live with? (Coming from a law-abiding country like Singapore, you should know what I mean)

At the same time, I am also very proud of fellow Malaysian friends who don't throw their rubbish everywhere, pick up a tissue if they drop one, keep all their rubbish in their car instead of unwinding their car windows and dump them out there. They don't spit on the floor, they don't usually beat red lights unless "necessary" :p, they don't bribe the police when the police stop them and hint for "coffee money"... They are the same good friends who "counsel" me when I keep biting on some issues like I have been mistreated by someone somewhere, suffering injustice. They are the same friends who buy me coffee and food when I don't have money, "poisoned" me with more cameras and bicycles for hobby.

I have never felt so much warmth and sincerity when I was in Singapore. Maybe I was just unlucky, or maybe most Singaporeans are just too stressed up to be warm and sincere. It is in Malaysia where people really mean it when they call you up for teh tarik/yum cha (tea time). In my ex-job as a Singapore Airlines flight steward, it was the contrary. The common sentence you would hear after each flight was "Thanks for the flight! Keep in touch ya?" But it never happened. Till now, I still miss some of my ex-colleagues (if you read it, send me a message), but it somehow just isn't the culture in Singapore to "keep-in-touch". I am guilty of it too.

It hasn't been easy living in Malaysia for the past 10 years, but it's my Malaysian friends who have helped me most in adapting here. They include different races, so it's not just Chinese. Najib made the most irresponsible statement calling the recent election results "Chinese Tsunami". It's far from what I saw tonight.

I have not written my thoughts and feelings for a long long time. But this time, I must thank my Malaysian friends for showing me what's unity and a sense of belonging to a country means. May justice prevails in Malaysia!

Your Audience

Thinking of who's looking at your pictures does make you shoot in a certain way, right or wrong?

My wife who is not a photographer BUT someone who does know how to tell a a nice picture from another will never be able to advise me which lens gives a "better" result, etc. But yet, she can tell me which picture she likes best and which she finds there's nothing interesting.

On the other hand, my photographer friends who know more about lenses will start asking me what lenses I used, film or digital, and all the questions regarding the equipment I used when they see some "nice" pictures from me.

So I guess, the "Nice" when my wife said it must have a different meaning to the "Nice" when my photographer friends said it.

So now, what?

Should I aim to please my wife or my photographer friends? (as a reminder, my wife is quite a critic at pictures. She's not very artistic when compared to many others but at least she has some art sense)

When I said, "ART is selfish, you only set out to please yourself, you should only shoot for yourself, you shoot what you feel NOT what you want others to like... etc..." erhem... "Bullshit!" that's what the realists will say! Sometimes, I am a realist too!

We all want an audience, don't we?

But some can go so crazy in "Fans-collecting" that they often lose themselves, lose their own character, lose their gut feeling, lose their moxie in doing what they want, in fear of losing their fans and losing their audience.

If my audience is a bunch of gear nuts, I'll be changing gears constantly in order to satisfy my audience.

If my audience is a bunch of non-artistic business people, I'll only be shooting what makes money, whatever that's "in-season".

If my audience is a bunch of sensitive people who appreciates ART, I'll be more sensitive in the content I wanna present in my images.

So I guess, it's either Change Your Audience (if you find you're not getting the right audience) OR Change You (to suit what's most "popular").

Why I love Street Photography

Why do I love street photography and photojournalism?

Cause I seriously think photography will not have it's value today without them. In still life, commercial photography, even landscape and wedding portraits for example, shots can be possibly duplicated, depending on the control we have over our environment, subjects, lighting and tools. In real life wedding portraits, subjects change but countless bridal studios have duplicated the same pose, the same background, the same props, etc. and etc... Even in wedding event photography, photographers have duplicated similar poses with different couples, though not exactly the same, but similar. In landscape photography, if the light isn't right today, we can try again tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow... till we succeed, but the mountain doesn't move. And in studio still life photography, we have all the control we need to duplicate that cabbage shot over and over again.

The real challenge comes in street photography and photojournalism. No subjects are paid to do what you want them to do. And God doesn't always give you the best light in that moment you saw someone jumping over a puddle of water, for example...(if you are even thinking of duplicating that Cartier Bresson's shot).

It just doesn't happen. Each moment is unique. Each shot is priceless. Each subject changes. Each human ages and dies. Each detail wears out through time. The lamp post rusts. The structure gets demolished. The machines grow old. The homeless disappears. The children grow up. People migrates.

Street photographers and photojournalists being the least paid or non-paid photographers record the MOST Precious moments in life. Photojournalists risk their lives. Many street photographers go unnoticed, unpaid, unrecognized and even unappreciated.

Unlike commercial photography, the motivation is often money. 

In street photography, it's ALL about passion. The passion to keep memories. The sickness of NOT being able to let go. We want to record every moment we saw and tell it to the whole world!
 

Choose Your Friends

"You've gotta learn to choose your friends, son." mum said.

In photography, what speaks the loudest??? Images OR Equipments?

Too often we are robed into the common "equipment chase" in the world today. Use a Leica, and you will shoot like Henri Cartier Bresson. Use a large format 8 x 10 camera, and you will shoot like Ansel Adams. When your works prove otherwise, it's no more irritating to others like Christians who kept on proclaiming Christ to others BUT live an obvious contrary life to what the Bible teaches. 

To all who just picked up photography as a hobby: BEWARE!
We have all fallen into the trap of comparing gears rather than images at one time or another. The expensive gear you own is NOT gonna make you any better than what you already are UNLESS your vision expands.

We live in a world of rapid changes in technology today. Everything must be instant. Instant noodles, fast food, 12 frames per sec, immediate digital previews. I must say to learn photography from scratch via film cameras will give you a totally different experience. You just have to live without instant previews. And you pay for your mistakes in an unforgettable way. Sometimes, going back in time is necessary.

Choosing the people you should mix with determine the direction you are taking. Are they reading your images beyond bokeh and sharpness, or can they read your feelings through your images and appreciate your style and approach? Are they telling you hurtful but inspiring truth about how you can improve your images or are they just scrutinizing on that sharpness/bokeh or dictating the way you should shoot?

Are they friends of photography OR are they friends of photographic gears?

To me, the most important part in photography is the Image. The process of making the final image IS the craft of photography. It should go beyond shutter sound, type of cameras and how sharp a lens is. The process involves more than just pressing the trigger.  

The process involves deep soul searching and boundless imagination.

In ART, there's NO apology. When you compromise, you make a lousy piece of compromised crap with no absolute direction and statement. The same goes for living our lives. We are often forced to compromise in this world we live in. There are "healthy" compromises we should make and there are the "unhealthy" ones. Which is which, I am NOT to dictate. To each has his own path to take.

But the old saying has never gone wrong, "Choose Your Friends for you become like them."

Here's a picture of a happy wanton mee seller I took some time back. I love making new acquaintances, but few are my intimate close friends.

Photography, should it be a competition?

I have not been too happy lately. Photography is getting easier. Cameras are getting cleverer. Professional fees are getting lower. Well, some are still charging their clients exorbitantly but at the same time, there are also clients and friends who spreads the word that, "It's not worth it!". So, I guess the consequence will show in the next few years.

Now, as a professional, I should get worried, BUT I'm not. That's probably I am not too money-motivated like the rest anyway. I can live with the minimum and I like to live with the minimum. I do have my shopping sprees at times, from miniature cameras to large format cameras, film to digital, BUT when I get sick of having too many, I start selling them one by one or even in batches! Some say I am crazy. LOL... Or simply put, "I don't care!"

WHAT IS PHOTOGRAPHY TO YOU? 

Many treat it as a way to mask themselves. Show some arty-farty looking images to others and maybe you'll be given a chance to be looked upon as an Artist with a Big "A". "Oh, please don't show anything too ordinary, people look at your snapshots and they may just despise you!"... that rings in our mind constantly. "We've gotta be really stringent with ourselves. Show an image of your garden and people might just discredit you totally as an artist."... we thought.

And so, we only show that one out of a hundred. And we shoot all the MORE with our digital, in hope that we can achieve more shots that are "worthy" to be shown around. There goes our confidence and skills! Digital rots... not just our digital cameras' re-sale value rot BUT our skills rot too! We become so reliant on "Chance Shots" or "Experimental Shots" to prove ourselves. We shoot thousands, hopefully we can get that few shots worthy of an award.

Hey! Is photography really ART? Are we trying too hard?

Whenever you look through your viewfinder before each shot, are you 100% indulged in the scene and truly enjoying each click of the shutter without worrying if the shot will get approved by others OR are you always trying to achieve "that" shot which others have somehow implanted in your mind as "the way to do it to get approved"?     

No wonder almost all the wedding images I see in facebook nowadays where all the wedding photographers congregate looks similar! Each is trying to get approved by the other. Silly, isn't it?

There's a place for copying to learn. BUT that should NEVER be the constant activity in our life. If that's all we do most of our time, we have basically become photocopiers.

How can photography be like a race, a competition, when there's no finishing line? It's not like you can score 0.2sec faster and break a previous record?!

Shouldn't we all be a little bit more confident in our individuality and enjoy photography as individuals instead of trying to be someone else?

Some photographs may look mundane, ordinary and common, BUT they could bear significant meaning and value that could never be judged or measured. There's also no necessity for judgment.

A photographer can never be the same as a painter. We are largely technologically-dependent and influenced. The ONE precious thing which the camera can do is to "still fleeting moments"! And that skill depends on the individual's eye and fluency in using his instrument, in which we can't deny modern cameras today are already doing most of the job for us.

So, before we think too highly of ourselves as artists, maybe we should just calm down a little, and admit that there are many individuals out there becoming "great artists" in less than a year. I think we hardly encounter talented painters of this sort do we? We can't deny photography is actually not too difficult, can we?

Bottom line (before I sidetrack too far): 
1. It's definitely not difficult to copy others' works
2. Photography is definitely much easier than painting
3. Photography is not just arts but it's also Mainly for documentary purposes 
4. It's definitely HARD to develop our individual style especially when we are surrounded by "copycats" and "copying" has already sort of become "the subconscious culture".
5. It seems that few can really shoot FREELY without thinking of making money out of it (there are definitely more mercenary photographers than painters out there except China)
6. And when money becomes the motivational factor, we begin to shoot like the ones who have been making "the money", and we lost ourselves.
7. We should NOT be afraid of our works being copied even though it will surely happen if you are good at it. That's just too narrow-minded to think that our works are original and others' are not. It's the clearest sign of "Insecurity" due to the lack of confidence.

Here is an article I found some time ago which resonates what I feel. To read, CLICK HERE!

Photographers, Are We Delusional?

Here I am, taking myself as an example, what I personally have gone through as a lesson, looking strictly deep into my own heart with a microscope, and doing my best not to hide a single bit of the struggles I went through as a photographer and as a human being.  

I am in no position here to judge others. For the previously offended, if you still think I am referring to you in my blog (some people are just over-sensitive), what I can say is I am referring to myself and what I experienced. It's entirely personal. All that offense was totally unnecessary in your own imagination.

I use "we" in many of my following paragraphs, not necessarily meaning that I did some of those things, but I prefer to look at the current wedding industry from the inside as a wedding photographer and not from the outside as a spectator. In no way am I claiming to represent the wedding industry in Malaysia but I am speaking as a "once-active wedding photographer".

1. Photography as a Passion.
To some, photography is but a part time hobby, a 2-hour relaxation on a Sunday, but to me, it's my daily expressive tool. I shoot when I am happy and unhappy. Thinking that since this is but one of the very few things I do persist in doing, I turned it into a career in year 2000, thinking that I can live out the dream of doing what I love. After 10 years, I found this to be NOT totally true or achievable.

2. Passion-killing.
As years go down the road, I realized that I am but shooting repeated weddings, repeated poses, repeated ceremonies, repeated hotels, repeated wedding favors, candles, etc.
Money seemed to be "the passion" instead of real photography. No doubt, I never failed to deliver, my standards in photography has all along been consistent (though clients are not all that consistent). You get that 1 in a 100 "never-be-able-to-please" client sometimes. At one point, I even got slandered on the internet with a false story saying I didn't turn up for a wedding by 3 fictitious names. (click HERE)
Yes, I have to admit that I can be quite assertive with my clients at times when it comes to last minute cancellations but expecting full refunds back. So, there I suffered for my assertiveness.

3. Photography Getting Real Easy!
As competition gets keen in the industry, thanks to all the camera manufacturers for making professional cameras so affordable and professional results so achievable, MONEY began to rule the industry and many photographers' greedy minds. Almost everyone who picked up a DSLR wants to be a wedding photographer!

4. The "High-Price" Delusion.
We all start to equate our level of skills with how high we can charge our clients. Since when that is even remotely related?
An artist can paint a priceless painting and refuse to sell it at any price. But here we are, allowing money to measure our skills. We boast of our price lists to fellow competitors in order to show off our superiority. But when we come to negotiating with actual clients, our prices can "secretly" go dirt cheap, just so we can get the job from another photographer. Don't forget, some clients do feedback of what they experienced.

5. Fame Chase.
We do all sorts of publicity stunts no matter what it takes to make ourselves famous, thinking that we can charge higher if we grow in fame. All that fame from day one is NEVER EARNED but ONLY BOUGHT with money $$$.

We (I almost but never did) joined meaningless mercenary international photography associations. These associations claimed to share knowledge and bring up international standards of photography but in actual fact are nothing more than just money-making agencies. They accept any tom, dick and harry in less than 24 hours after they received your application, requesting for online payment, even though the website claimed that they will take up to 90 days to review your portfolio.

The OBVIOUS issue in these associations is that you get the "one-day-old photographers" all mixed up with the 10-year-old ones. Congrats!

It gets even more complex when the new photographers start winning awards together with the veterans. In digital photography, you can easily shoot thousands on motordrive and pick a few lucky shots to win. With the latest Photoshop and other editing softwares, editing images are just a few clicks away. The public has come to a point in which they already can't differentiate WHO are the real reliable photographers with proven track records and consistent delivery in such confusion! 

What a way to bring international standards of photography into the local industry! (which they claimed) It's more like messing everything up.


Then came the "wind of wedding destination photography" sweeping across the nation with hundreds of wannabes volunteering to shoot for free as long as they get to travel.
All these are done with the already existing examples set by some "pioneers" who started that ball rolling not too long ago. Words get around that here's the only way to gain some overseas portfolio - shoot for free but keep quiet! (yet, words still spread, cause the couples aren't keeping quiet).

Everyone seems to become some sort of a destination wedding photographer over night until someone gets caught recently at the Australian Immigration Checkpoint and gets penalized for breaching their commercial trade law. Calls swarmed in within 24 hours from fellow photographers in the industry NOT to ask about the well being of that photographer BUT to ask about the "future" of destination wedding photography in Australia. This is how caring we have become! We have lost humanity.

Have we all gone crazy seeking Fame and Fortune?

In the midst of seeking Fame and Fortune, some even steal portfolios from others using "innovative methods" like partnering for shoots with more senior photographers then secretly steal the ropes instead of honestly learning the hard way. It's common that they group the shots from the senior photographer/s with their own works and present them together as a disguise to the general public! Individual credits are often NOT given. 

If you are proud of your own works, you will be adamant about crediting individual photographer accordingly, and NOT give the chance for others to assume "certain" good works are done by you when it's NOT.

Some even daringly steal from facebook where the photographers all group together in the name of sharing knowledge. (the chance to copy and steal ideas more like it).

Well, I received my fair share back in year 2003 when facebook weren't even existent, from the now co-founder of the AWP (Association of the Wedding Professionals Malaysia), owner of Nupts and Such, Eileen Lui, who used all my then pre-wedding images of one couple all over her starting website and even appeared centre-spread full page in national newspapers: The Star. AWP actually has remarkable code of ethics written in their website they swear by, how ironic? Is she apologetic? Not at all, till today.

5.Take Pride in our Own Works!
Are we confident about our own works, our own worth and our own existence in the society? Do we all need to get so hard up for such recognition, such fame in the shortest time?

6. Individuality, we've lost it!
Have we all lost our individual vision which we once were so sure we got it, that we now have to constantly look up to others, especially to those who charged an exorbitant sum for shooting weddings? Do they really have the vision we don't? Learning photography techniques is one thing but learning photographic vision and understanding your own personal vision in your life is another. Photography is NOT just about new gimmicks.
 
7. True Honesty.
Have we for once been truly honest to ourselves about what we truly want, what we truly are capable of and what we truly aren't capable of? There are some things in life we need to admit that we just don't have the talent for, that our talent actually lies somewhere else, that we will be wasting time struggling in it if we still refuse to admit it.

8. Listen to Your Inner Self.
There is such a sanctity between you and God, between you and your inner self (for those who don't believe in God) which no man and nothing on earth can absolutely come in-between. For the Christians, it's not just the earth, but heaven and hell as well. Close your doors, be by yourself and start listening to your own heartbeat. I can barely teach you how. I am saying, "Be honest to yourself, at least for once, and stop lying."

9. The Stubborn Delusionals.
Still, some of you might already be so delusional that no amount of words can help, that having uttered so many lies to yourself for so long that all just seems to become real... ... then what I wrote is not for you. Oh, do I need to remind you that this blog is but my own writings written to myself and also to those who can identify with me, which are the rare breed. (Yes, I never considered myself "normal")

Lastly, I don't need to claim to be someone else. I don't need to be famous. I just need to be myself. How about you?